Regrets
by msheathermagick
Summary: It's been months since they've last seen each other. Now they're about to head off to Yale and Holly J wanted to make things right before they leave; what will happen? Holly J/Declan one-shot. based on the song Back to December by Taylor Swift.


**_Ok so this is my first Declan/Holly J one-shot. Its inspired by the song Back to December by Taylor Swift. The moment i heard the song it instantly made me think of their relationship and i decided to write this. So i hope you enjoy it :)_**

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"Goodbye Declan" Those were the last words I said to him. Back then I honestly didn't know what I wanted. I mean yeah I had feelings for him but Sav was in the picture and I thought Sav was what I wanted… but I slowly realized that with every day that went by that Sav may have been what I wanted at the time but Declan was what I needed.

But I was scared to contact him. It had been months since the last time we'd had an actual conversation. But now the end of summer was coming and we'd both be going off to Yale and we were bound to see each other there so it was better that we met up before that.

I have to admit that I was scared to call him though. I mean I know he said he'd wait for me but I don't think he meant as long as I had waited. But my nerves slowly went away as I talked to him and we agreed to meet up at the Dot this weekend to talk.

It was now Saturday and I have to say that I am nervous but kind of excited that he agreed to meet up with me. I finally get to the Dot and I see that he isn't there yet, so I get a table for us to sit at. I sit down at the seat facing the door so that I can see him when he walks in.

About a moment after I sit down I look up towards the door and I see him walk in. He looks at he always does with one of his collared blue shirts with a dark blue suit jacket over it and pair of khaki's and dress shoes. I feel almost underdressed as I'm just wearing a simple summery floral dress and wedges.

I give him a smile as his eyes meet mine when he reaches the table but all he gives me is a half-smile with the look in his eyes telling me he's not so sure if he wants to be here.

"I'm glad you came" I say to him in a friendly voice trying to cheer him but it doesn't seem to do anything as he sits down across from me with the look on his face not changing.

I can tell that he's still hurt from the last time we talked and I hate that he's still this upset over it.

"So how have you been?" I ask him trying to get him to speak  
"it's been good I guess, you" He says but I'm not really sure if he actually cares what my reply is

"Good, so um how are your mom and Fiona?" I asked him. I haven't really talked to Fiona since graduation since she went back to New York and his mom hasn't been back to Degrassi since I last saw her at graduation and even then we really didn't talk all that much.

"They're fine" He replies to me and it just for some reason hurts. I keep asking him things to try and get him to say more than a sentence but he just keeps every answer short. I literally try talking about anything the weather, anything he's been up to but it's no use.

I know why he's acting like this though. It's like he has a wall up and he's afraid that if he says the wrong thing it will all crumble in an instant. He's scared to let me in because he doesn't want to get hurt again, like the last time we were together.

The last time we spoke well it didn't go so well. I still remember the hurt in his eyes when he told me that he thought he raped me. It killed me thinking that he thought that, because I know even if I thought he pressured me that he never raped me.

He would have done anything to fix things, to make things right between us, but honestly I wasn't ready at the time to let him back fully into my life. He told me he wanted me in his life and I could tell that he didn't get the answer he wanted as I said I'd call when I was ready.

I could tell it hurt him even more when he said that it would be when I called and not if and I said nothing because honestly at the time I wasn't sure if I needed him back in my life. All I could tell him was Goodbye because I thought it was the right thing to do at the time.

I left him to go back to New York because I thought it would be easier to get over him if he wasn't there to tempt my feelings for him all over again. I thought it would be easier if I just stayed with Sav till the end of the year but I was wrong. Sav wasn't the answer, and I realized that when it was too late.

It could be said that it would have been really easy to just fix things with Declan because the moment I called he probably would have been on the next flight out to Degrassi to be with me, but I was scared. Scared that if I did call he would just ignore it and send it straight to voicemail. Scared that he would say he moved on like I thought I had with Sav. Scared that I would call and he'd pick up and say I was too late and he wouldn't want me anymore.

But these past few weeks I've barely been able to sleep. All I could think about was being at Yale and the chance of running into him and the awkwardness that I knew would be there. I kept replaying the scene of me walking out on him over and over again.

I then think back to the beginning of summer and I remember looking at the calendar and seeing that it was his birthday. I held my phone in my hand the whole day with "Happy Birthday Declan" on it so many times, but every time I was about to send it I just couldn't do it because something was telling me that he wouldn't want to hear from me on his birthday. I wanted him to be happy on his birthday and honestly I didn't think hearing from me would make him happy.

I think about the summer we spent in New York, and despite the drama all the fun we had together. I remember when we were driving back to Degrassi and watching him drive and the huge smile he had on his face and him laughing as we watched Jane freaking out trying to get back to Degrassi as fast as she could and we were doing whatever it took to stall.

I remember when I first realized how much I really loved him. How much I truly loved him more than any other boy I'd ever been with. He was my first love and honestly I would probably always have some sort of feelings for him.

I then flash back to that day. The day I broke up with him because I felt like he was trying to buy my love, like I was the type of girl that could be bought. I couldn't take the people around me telling me that I wasn't respecting myself by staying with him. So I broke up with him. I was tired of feeling dirty and I wanted to own my own life again.

He did try to win me back though, but at that point I was with Sav and not really looking to get serious again with anyone let alone with him. Do I blame him for what happened, not completely? Did I feel pressured? Yes, but I let it happen because honestly part of me loved how he made me feel and I still have feelings for him that I gave into that night.

The next day though I regretted it because I realized I should have lead him on knowing that I wasn't ready to get back together with him and because I felt like shouldn't have done it because of Sav. So when we finally talked about it he was willing to make me his entire world and love me with everything he had and was willing to do whatever it took but all I could give him was a goodbye.

Now back to reality as he's sitting across from me with this awkward silence going on. I felt the tears coming to my eyes and I could see the concern growing in his eyes seeing my about to cry.

"Holly J are you ok?" He asked me finally showing some emotion for the first time that day

"I'm sorry" I said to him getting choked up

"Sorry about what?" He said confused as to why I was apologizing

"I'm sorry for that night; I shouldn't have let it happen when I wasn't going to let anything become of it…" I then felt a tear fall down my cheek and that was all it took for him to come over and pull me into a hug.

That hug just brought me back to when we together all over again. Taking in his scent and the sweet smile he seemed to only have for me. Being in his arms at this moment reminded me of the first time he saw me cry. He held me in his arms for what he said was "as long as it would take for me to stop crying and be ok again". It was a sweet moment which made me tear up more missing him and the moments like that we used to have all the time, moments we may never have again because of me.

I finally found my voice again as I pulled my face out of his shoulder and looked into his eyes  
"I really am sorry Declan, and I know that you probably hate me for taking so long to finally contact you, but I just I didn't want to contact you unless I knew I was ready. And I'm ready now and I want you to know that if I could change what happened I would and I understand if you never want to see me ever again..." I said rambling but he stopped me

"Holly J I could never hate you" He said softly to me but I barely heard him as I kept talking

"I just now I realize what I should have said a long time ago, I need you in my life Declan and if you ever were willing to even be friends with me again or if it's even possible anymore giving us a second chance.." I said looking into his eyes hoping he could see the love in my eyes that I have for him.

But as I waited a few moments looking into his eyes searching for his answer hoping for the love to be returned, all I saw was just blankness in his eyes like he didn't know what to say or did but didn't have the nerve to say it. It was complete silence between us and to me that was an answer enough.

I felt the tears coming to my eyes as I got up from the table as I couldn't wait for an answer. I knew I didn't deserve to be forgiven but I never thought he'd say nothing. I guess I know how he felt when he put his heart on the line and I said nothing now. And I have to say I don't like the feeling of letting myself be vulnerable just to get the cold empty feeling of not having your feelings reciprocated, it hurt.

But I couldn't blame him; it was my fault he was like this so I only had myself to blame. Right?

As I walked outside the summer heat hit me but I felt like I was freezing cold inside. I went to walk to my car but I stopped in my tracks as I heard a voice behind me.

"Holly J wait" it was Declan. I just closed my eyes expecting the worst as I turned around, I expected him to yell at me, tell me I was stupid, the horrible things went on and on. But what I wasn't expecting was what he actually did.

He pulled me towards him and our lips met in a soft gentle kiss that took the coldness out of my body almost instantly. We kissed for barely 10 seconds before I pulled away looking at him confused as to why he just kissed me

"I thought hated me" was all I could softly muster out to him

"I told you I could never hate you Holly J, no matter what"  
"but what about what I did to you?"

"I was hurt Holly J but I never hated you for it. I could never hate you for how you feel. I just want you to be happy" I could see him hold back a moment before continuing "even if it's with Sav or whoever isn't me. If your happy I'm happy, I just want you in my life"  
"well what if I told you I didn't want to be with Sav or someone who isn't you" I said to him just above a whisper

"Well I'd say I hope you're serious" he said seriously to me looking into my eyes

"Well I am Mr. Coyne, I'm completely in love with you and I want you in my life" I said just as seriously back

"Well Miss Sinclair, I'm in love with you too, but I don't want you in my life" He said to me and I felt a pang of hurt in my heart but he just laughed softly "I need you in my life" and I felt a slight smile creep onto my face

"So what happens now Mr. Coyne?"  
"Well if you want to we can try us again" He said looking at me waiting for an answer

I didn't even say anything as I wrapped my arms around his neck kissing him hoping that that was a good enough answer for him.

"I'll take that as a yes" He mumbled kissing me back wrapping his arms around my waist and picked me up spinning me around. In that moment I knew I had all that I needed back in my life and it felt so good to be his again.

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**_Thank you for Reading :)_**

**_-Please Review; i'd love to hear your thoughts!_**

**_-Heather_**


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